whosthewhatnow asked you: 
 did you  find one? i couldn’t find one that burned corneas enough for me. 
No, but I couldn’t show up to work without something, so I made my  own. It wasn’t a bad idea, exactly, but I did put it together the night before in about an hour, and it showed. I won most creative…and given that it was a contest to wear a  sweater you found and not a make-your-own contest, I feel fairly sure  that was a pity prize.
Should anyone out there like to recreate my  tree sweater, excellent! and I question your judgement. But it’s not very difficult. It’s also probably easy to figure out, but by all  means learn from my trial and error.
You will need:
green sweatshirt or sweater, plastic ornaments, candy canes (I only had large ones, so that’s what I used, but seriously, mini ones would be much easier, for both space and weight reasons), popcorn or packing peanuts, needle and thread, safety pins, string of Christmas lights
Tack the ornaments and candy canes to your sweater or sweatshirt with the needle and thread. Create a popcorn string; there is no microwave popcorn that I could find that doesn’t have salt and butter, so I popped my own in a pan on the stove, but even for that, you need to use a small amount of oil [skipping it = burned, unpopped kernels], so it’s probably best if you’re not too attached to that green sweater, because it may get some grease stains. If I was doing it again, even though real popcorn was funny, I would use packing peanuts instead. Similar shape, etc., but less likely to break so easily, and definitely less messy. I recommend creating one long string, and asking a helper to wrap it around you and tack or pin it in place one you have your sweater on. Same with the lights, wrap and tack or pin after you’ve finished the popcorn string. I am fully aware that small, battery operated light strings exist and would be both easy and self contained, but I find it funnier to have to be plugged in to a wall outlet, so I went with a regular large string of lights. And an extension cord.
[If anyone actually does this, please send me a photo.]

did you find one? i couldn’t find one that burned corneas enough for me.

No, but I couldn’t show up to work without something, so I made my own. It wasn’t a bad idea, exactly, but I did put it together the night before in about an hour, and it showed. I won most creative…and given that it was a contest to wear a sweater you found and not a make-your-own contest, I feel fairly sure that was a pity prize.

Should anyone out there like to recreate my tree sweater, excellent! and I question your judgement. But it’s not very difficult. It’s also probably easy to figure out, but by all means learn from my trial and error.

You will need:

green sweatshirt or sweater, plastic ornaments, candy canes (I only had large ones, so that’s what I used, but seriously, mini ones would be much easier, for both space and weight reasons), popcorn or packing peanuts, needle and thread, safety pins, string of Christmas lights

Tack the ornaments and candy canes to your sweater or sweatshirt with the needle and thread. Create a popcorn string; there is no microwave popcorn that I could find that doesn’t have salt and butter, so I popped my own in a pan on the stove, but even for that, you need to use a small amount of oil [skipping it = burned, unpopped kernels], so it’s probably best if you’re not too attached to that green sweater, because it may get some grease stains. If I was doing it again, even though real popcorn was funny, I would use packing peanuts instead. Similar shape, etc., but less likely to break so easily, and definitely less messy. I recommend creating one long string, and asking a helper to wrap it around you and tack or pin it in place one you have your sweater on. Same with the lights, wrap and tack or pin after you’ve finished the popcorn string. I am fully aware that small, battery operated light strings exist and would be both easy and self contained, but I find it funnier to have to be plugged in to a wall outlet, so I went with a regular large string of lights. And an extension cord.

[If anyone actually does this, please send me a photo.]